Hi...it’s been a while. My apology for not writing for so long...to my friend Aliah (also known as ‘Dalia’ nowadays...hahaha :D), sorry that this piece of writing took almost 2 weeks to be published. Well, my laptop is still broken, so i don’t really have any other electronic devices to type my entry. What a mess. But now that Naim’s in da house (yeah, you heard me right...he’s home), it’s a Full House back again in the Zulkipli-Zainiah residence! Woohoo! So under his courtesy, i get to use his laptop till 20
th February which the last day of his holiday. Thanks a lot bro.
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| doubts??? |
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| possibilities??? |
Also, not writing for so long, it has something to do with being generally hated right now. But i figured since quite a few moons has passed already, now that the hatred has somewhat subsided (i assume), i can continue writing back!
J To rationalize the topic at hand, have you ever noticed that sometimes (in my case, most of the time), questions are more powerful than answers? Contrary to what answers do which is providing us comfort and self-pleasure in knowing, a simple question on the other hand possesses the ability to cause doubts, breed possibilities and not to mention, amplifies curiosity. We seek answers all our entire life-what were we born for, how are we going to survive, how to solve this, how to get that. The ones I keep asking myself are like, “Why me?”, “What have I done?”, or “How could I be so studid?”..Once we find the answer to our questions, we indirectly find happiness. Thus we make decisions and choices in life, and the choices that we make define who we are. We observe, and we perceive. Our perception which are mostly based on our observation up to the present time, defines the truth, a.k.a facts...and we label them reality. But consider this for a moment...what if the reality that we believed in so much is actually wrong? What if the truth is actually different from what we believe in? Let me give you one simple example. A decade ago, Pluto is still considered as a planet (I still remember a page from my childhood primary school science textbook which support this argument)...however, in the late years of last decade, the International Astronomical Unit has voted to exclude Pluto from planetary body status, and now we only have planets from Mercury to Neptune in our solar system...haha..still can’t get rid of the habit of talking bout science and stuffs.my bad...my bad...
My point is, get the whole truth and double confirm it before you judge. I guess “Cest la vie” - it means “that’s life” in Spanish. It is so full of questions that the journey to seek for an answer seems like it’s taking forever, as if we’re making no progress at all. I have came across numerous life metaphors...the most cliché among them is like “life’s like a wheel-sometimes you’re up,sometimes you’re down”...they always say this in Malay drama...pfft...can you believe it? But to me personally, i think life is both an experiment and a game. It’s an experiment because it has a goal and purpose-an objective. There are just way too many variables involved, actions and reactions to be expected, forces to deal with and be dealt by, and at the end of our lives, we draw a concrete conclusion to sum it all up. And being a person who loves video games so much, I of all people can see the symbolic representation of life in game. Of course, you can cheat your way out in a game, you know like infinite health or all weapons unlock in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. The only difference is, in life, we play to win no matter what the cost, but don’t expect to get away with everything every now and then. Though it’s a serious game, i took it lightly...which led me to a catastrophic disaster. This is my story, and that is how this chapter begins...
A tragedy befell me quite some time ago...due to my own stupidity, immaturity and being selfish for a second. What I did was definitely wrong, no argument from anyone can change the fact otherwise. I wasn’t thinking straight and took matters into my own hands. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I have a certain disregard for the law...okay, maybe not to the level of a supervillain or a convict, but i do wear jeans to class (black to be precise, but most people didn’t notice :P) For the first time ever, I experienced a gianormous amount of agony, pain, regret and anger towards myself, all at the same moment in a split second. It all happened too fast, and it was unbearable.
But that was then, now’s a whole new chapter is about to begin. Though i had to learn it the hard way, I can safely say here that i’ve learnt my lesson well. The unbelievably long holiday created a window of opportunity for me to actually consider what have happened so far. I really gave them a very deep thought as if my thoughts are like a bottomless abyss. There was once, in a single moment that i thought “maybe i am a bad person after all, maybe there’s really nothing good left inside me, and that is particularly why i’m being punished with all these”. 1 year suspension-that is the price that i’m paying for my crime in cash. But then, a thought came to mind...i suddenly recalled a line from a Harry Potter movie, HP and The Order of Phoenix...Harry said that maybe he is a bad person, maybe he is becoming Lord Voldemort but Sirius Black convinced him with something like this "You are not a bad person, you're a good person who bad things have happened to". That particular line gave me a wake up call. Frankly, I can continue to feel sorry for myself, and let the anger, hatred, disappointment consume me and drag me down into the darkness again. But the cognitive side of my head told me otherwise-that i should not let something bad that happened to me be a barrier or obstacle for me from achieving greatness in life. '11 might not be all "bed of roses", surely there be hiccups along the way...but that's no reason to stop 2012 from being awesome...i feel like rocking the Year of Dragon! :D
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| Dragon Rocks! |
Perhaps there are silver linings around the clouds that i have encountered so far after all. People say that there’s always two sides of a coin, same goes with a story. It’s all boil down to a single thing- a change of perspective. Well, one way to look at it is as a form of punishment..but another way look at it is as a window of opportunity. 1st, i’ve been given a chance to work my ass off for an actual job! I can temporarily enter the workforce and get some nice handsomely-paid salary instead of allowance to be spent...ain’t that just cool or what! 2nd-ly, I get to spend more time with my family-especially my little brother Naim which i can hardly see nowadays and my parents whom i love so much. 3rd, this occurrence have created an opportunity for me to do the things i’ve always wanted to do, which due to the restrictions as a student, made me unable to do them previously...like travel the world (not really planning to go overseas cause you know, i don’t have a passport yet and all...pfft), go sightseeing...basically adventure and fun and stuffs. This country (Malaysia, not America) has lots to offer and wide selection of places of interest...this might just be the break that i’ve always needed from all the studies that i have done or the academic pressure that i have felt so far as a student (which sometimes makes me wanna kill myself literally)
..kind of a sweet escape from all the assignments, datelines, exams, studying, files and folders don’t you think? Boy you have no idea how terrifying those things are to people like me J
But of course there’s a downside to it. To be frank, I miss my classmates and my close friends a lot. When i say a lot, i mean it in a way that is incomparable to the normal condition when you miss someone. Like it has been a lifetime since i last met them. Not because of loneliness or solitude, but because i have grown some sort of liking and deep personal attachment to these people in the 1.5 years duration that i’ve known them-which i can not literally describe in words. I like them a lot...why? Because they rock! I don’t think I will be able to find the same set of friends with the same level of craziness, kindheartedness and creativity. That’s what makes them so special and irreplaceable to me. By ‘they’, i mean all my favourite and beloved lecturers as well. God bless them all. Amen J
*sound effect-party rock anthem by LMFAO*
All of them was very kind to me, they’ve helped me countless times during my PPISMP years (for those of you who are not familiar with this term, replace it with foundation programme/years). I’m not exaggerating when i say i would not have passed my foundation with the result that i got if not because of them. Those who are close to me might know some of my famous traits as a student-handing in assignment late (or probably last minute work), plagiarism...groupwork is my favourite, it’s a pleasure working with my them. Thus, i would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all my classmates...being the eldest in the class, i should have set a good example and be a role model to all...but i did not. Instead, I brought shame, been a disappointment and inflicted pain and damages to the people that i care so much about. To my family especially my parents, I know I’ve been the black sheep for quite some time now. Looking at my little brother Naim, I can’t help but thinking that he should be the ideal big brother instead of me. I mean, why the hell not? He’s super-smart (more like brainiac genius), kind, athletic, and most of all, he has the ‘Damon Salvatore’ charm no chicks and gals can resist. Haha. But i promise this-from this point onwards, I will be your source of pride instead of disappointment, I’ll replace those weeps of sadness with tears of joy. I’ll make you proud once more.
So, what have I been doing up until now? (Another question) To summarize it in the least number of words possible: Job Hunting! As exciting as it sounds, it took lots of my time and energy- checking out job opportunities geographically and the ones advertised in the printed and electronic media,writing and sending resumes, attending interviews..i’m also helping my mother run her extra classes by lending her an extra hand and teaching assistance. Leisure time? I guess now you can say that I’m a part-time maid at my own house. Fetching/sending Hana to and from school, giving free tuition to Balqis and Ilma ( those are my younger sisters who are standard 5, form 3, and form 5 respectively-2 of them will be facing PMR & SPM this year), do the laundry, do the dishes, cleaning-all sorts of daily household chores in short J
That’s the end of this chapter i guess. It’s now safely imprinted in my memory book of experience, all jammed into a single page. Time to flip a new page, turn over a new chapter of my life, to find the single answer. The journey towards the ending of my book still has a long way...and the rest is still unwritten! I pray everyday that I’ll be a better man in every way, so that i can turn over a new leaf and start over, just like when I first stepped into King Melewar Educator Training Institute. Till next time! ;)
p/s: thanks a bunch for stopping by...stay tuned for more upcoming entries and updates!
